


Happy birthday?

by MobyRick



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 19:33:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15803142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MobyRick/pseuds/MobyRick
Summary: Some nonsensical RM dialogue I wrote to amuse myself and possibly my friends on their birthdays. Contains an appropriate amount of cursing, violence and inebriated banter.





	1. To Mikael.

\- Congratulations on.. urgh.. not dying yet or whatever. 

\- It's his birthday Rick, don't.. don't be an asshole. 

\- Oh so I'm the asshole? Not the guy who has accomplished nothing and still thinks he is the center of the universe? 

\- Well he doesn't and he's not.. not that bad, I mean he has a degree! 

\- And Hitler was a writer but try dropping that.. buurp.. truth bomb on your next bar mitzvah. Labels mean shit Morty.

\- Mmm.. ok.. that's... well Mikael's a teacher and society needs teachers. You can't argue with that! 

\- We've had teachers since apes realized their shit was shittier than other apes shit so they started hurling shit at each other. Look where that got us!

\- Y.. yo.. you're drunk Rick. 

\- Suck a bag of dicks Morty, I'm not.. buurp.. drunk. If I were drunk it would mean that I had to compare my state of mind to other peoples sad equivalents and that would literally be impossible.

\- You've had 19 beers and a spoonful of what looks like pink cocaine. 

\- Shut up Morty. You still seem to think that I operate on the same level as everyone else. I'm not.. I mean I don't! T.. t.. this so called "teacher... 

-You can't even do two air quotes in a row Rick, slow down. 

\- Aaand every other sad being in the universe is just another turd in the chaotic whirlpool of the toilet bowl called life. Some of them are just evolved enough to look up at the sky in amazement, wondering what it all means. None of them realizing that what they're looking up at is my gaping asshole producing their next top model.

\- Oh man, wow, I'm sorry about this Mikael, he's usually not this mean. Or I mean he IS but it's usually not as..

\- Poetic? 

\- No Rick I was going to say focused. By this point the diarrhea is usually more of a nuisance than your insults. 

\- Alright alright. Jeez. I'm SO happy for your SPECIAL day that you SO deserve. WELL done Mikael. WELL done.

\- You're too old to be that ironic Rick. 

\- And he's too young to look like a middle-aged sack of shit but that doesn't mean we have any right to force him to change. 

\- Can't you say something nice to him? 

\- Mikael, your mom has great tits. 

\- Rick! 

\- Ok she doesn't but you do. 

\- I give up. S.. screw you Rick.

\- What do you buurp.. want me to say Morty? That he won't die alone in less time than it takes a sea turtle to reach puberty? That it doesn't matter what age he is because we're all racing toward nothing and by the time that turtle loses its virginity we'll all be forgotten? 

\- I mean.. yeah that's.. at least better, perhaps. But I still think he should have some praise for the work he does. You're into.. into science things and he educates the next generation, the new hope. 

\- Ok Morty cool it with the references, you're about as subtle as a Blurgthor in a mBliffxbloff. Now THAT is how you do references, am I right Zlompfsies? 

\- Did you have a stroke or are you just being an asshole again Rick? 

\- It's not my fault this guy doesn't know shit, what's he teaching - astrology? 

\- That's low Rick, no one teaches astrology. That.. that would be like teaching herpes. 

\- So it's history? Buurp.. really? 

\- Or HERstory! 

\- Yeah g.. g.. great catch Morty. Maybe clear your browser history the next time you're gonna act all Pankhurt.

\- I.. I don't.. 

\- And gender isn't binary Morty, get your shit together. 

\- Ok ok I'm sorry. 

\- Are they done yet Morty? I'm bored just looking at this guy, he hasn't said a word yet. Teacher of the year everyone. Mikael the silent teacher. Teaching... silence. 

\- Mom how's it going back there? Rick's sobering up and I'd rather get another tounge kiss from toenails-for-teeth-Rick than deal with hungover Rick. 

\- It's not going great sweetie. Even though I'M a surgeon your dad thinks HE'S the most qualified to do this because quotemode "Tom Cruise" end quotemode. 

\- Horse surgeon...

\- Jerry I swear to god! 

\- Ok ok, I'm almost done. There, I did it! 

\- Well la di da. Move over flesh eating bacteria, now Jerry's the worlds second most useless organism. 

\- Stop it Rick, you should tell Mikael what's going on instead. 

\- Ok so here's the thing Mikael. While we've been distracting your few surviving brainsells my idiot son in law has implanted you with a genetically engineered brain.. brain m.. m.. modulizer that tweaks your hormone production and makes you like a decade younger on the inside.

\- Happy birthday Mikael! 

\- We love you man! 

\- Yeah and It's like a reverse Big situation so all your memories are intact, it's just your general health that has significantly improved... 

\- We're proud of you Mikael, you deserve this! 

\- ... unless of course Jerry put the thing in backwards in which case you now have the body of a 56 year old bus driver with Lou Gehrig's disease. But not even he would be that stupid, right Jerry? Jerry...?


	2. To Oskar.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's basically more of the same.

\- Alright Morty, let's roast the shit out of this guy. I'm on a roll! A Rick on a roll... rollin' with Rick... rickety... rick... shit I forgot my pun.

\- It was probably something with "Rickrolling" and that last one wasn't supposed to be a roast. We were trying to do something nice for Mikael but you were being an asshole. 

\- Well excuuse me... buurp... how's he holding up?

\- Not great, he... he went to Japan, said he wanted to try something called Harakiri. I think it's some kind of fish. 

\- So I guess he's gonna be sword of ok! 

\- What? Is that a pun? 

\- Don't worry about it Morty, he's fine. 

\- Ok well today is Oskars birthday so we're... we're gonna be nice to him. 

\- Sigh... so what's the deal with this guy? Anything special that separates him from the billions of other mammals stumbling through existence?

\- Watch it Rick, nihilism is Latin for sad asshole.

\- Haha... buurp... well put Morty but I'll have you know that I don't dabble in philosophy. When you have a portal gun and a literall shit tonne of neutrino bombs it seems redundant to argue over the meaning of life and the existence of... buurp... any other omnipotent gods. 

\- But don't you think t... t... there's beauty in the frailty of life? S... science is our... our way to learn but it can only explain the how and not the why so we've got to live life to the fullest, carp...

\- Did you know that you can build a functional spike bomb out of things found in your garadge? And did you also know that you can rig said spike bomb to explode when someone utters a certain idiotic phrase? And did you also also know that with the right amount of sedatives you can implant said spike bomb in an annoying teenagers chest cavity without him knowing about it? 

\- ...

\- Sooo this Oskar guy, wa... wa.. what are we doing here Morty?

\- Well I mean... jeez Rick you're kinda bumming me out today. His kids are over there, maybe they'll lighten the mood.

\- Fine.

\- Hi... hi little guy, you're so cute I wanna eat you up! What's your name? 

\- La la la, vi ses en annan dag. Pippi! 

\- Ok... I'm gonna call you sport for now. 

\- Hello toddler, my name is Rick Sanchez and I'm gonna go get drunk in the kitchen like I just don't care.

\- Come on Rick, check out this little guys puffy cheeks. They're so fluffy and smooth! 

\- Wow, you're right Morty, they are smooth. Almost too smooth... It's as if... 

\- What now Rick? 

\- Oh shit! We've got to get out of here! Run Morty! RUN!! 

 

 

 

\- Rick why are we hiding in the garage? 

\- They have really outdone themselves this time. 

\- Who are they?

\- It's those cheeks. Cheeks that smooth doesn't exist in the wild Morty.

\- What do you mean Rick? 

\- They think they can trick me huh? 

\- Who? 

\- The Trollfamadorians Morty.

\- The what now? 

\- Trollfamadorians, ancient beings who kidnap children and replace them with robotic replicas. They lived among us on earth for thousands of years but they left when we came to an agreement. Or so I thought. 

\- Oh jeez... that's a lot to process. Like why do they steal children? 

\- They make this delicious soup Morty... buurp... not that I've ever tried it of course but I've heard good things about it. Veery good things.

\- They make soup out of children? That's horrible!

\- That's why we have to end this, once and for all. 

\- I'm with you Rick, I'd say a baby-soup kitchen justifies any means.

\- Let's sear those fuckers! 

\- Yeah let's... boil 'em good. 

\- Wow that's lame, try to keep up Morty. 

\- I'm 14, I don't cook! 

\- If you greased a pan as often as your palm you'd make Gordon Ramsay look like Anthony Bourdain. 

\- Alright alright let's just do this. 

 

 

 

\- Ok so it seems the Trollfamadorians weren't involved.

\- We... we... we killed so many Rick. They're all dead.  
And WE killed them.

\- Yeah, a bit of a miscalculation on my part. My bad. 

\- Your bad? YOUR BAD?! We trapped the last surviving family in a bunker and beat the oldest to death with the youngest until only the middle child remained and you said "An eye for an eye, a soup for a soup". 

\- What was I supposed to do Morty? How could I have known that this kids cheeks are so smooth naturally rather than by some malevolent design.

\- They are unnaturally smooth, I'll give you that. Well anyway happy birthday Oskar, sorry about the mess. 

\- Yeah happy birthday, we murdered an entire civilization but at least I didn't say anything mean this time. 

\- Baby steps Rick. 

\- Oh man, that reminds me of the soup. The soup Morty!

\- Oh my god the soup! It was almost worth it just for the soup! 

\- Gimme the phone Morty I've got a million dollar idea! 

 

 

\- Welcome to McDonald's how may I help you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please scream your comments into your least favorite pillow. The poor thing.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave your comments in the darkest recesses of your mind where they belong.


End file.
